Funny Stuff

It’s not just realizing that as you get older the less you know, it’s remembering what’s left! – Hillary Saffran

Seniors have their own texting codes:

ATD – At the Doctor’s

BFF – Best Friends Funeral

BYOT – Bring Your Own Teeth

CBM – Covered by Medicaire

CUATSC – See you at the Senior Citizens

DWI – Driving Whiole Incontinent

FWIW – Forgot Where I Was

GGPBL – Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

GHA – Got Heartburn Again

LMDO – Laughing My Dentures Out

LOL – Living on Lipitor

TOT – Texting on Toilet

GGLKI – Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In

Top 10 signs you are over the hill….

1. When you sleep, people worry you’re dead.
2. Your back goes out more than you do.
3. Your best friend is dating someone half their age… and aren’t breaking any laws.
4. You wear black socks with sandals.
5. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
6. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
7. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
8. You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
9. Getting “lucky” means you found your car in the parking lot.
10. You forgot that you already had your 50th birthday.

You can tell a lot about a woman’s mood just by her hands. For instance, if she is holding a gun, she’s probably angry.

At the bank, I told the cashier, I’d like to open a joint account, please. “Okay, with whom?” “Whoever has lots of money.”

I wasn’t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere!

My friend thinks he’s smart. He said onions are the only food that make you cry.  So I threw a coconut at his face.

I don’t like making plans for the day, because the word “premeditated” gets thrown around in the courtroom.

The funny thing about Facebook is that you can talk about one person and it makes 20 others think it’s about them.

If you love somebody let them go…If they come back no one wanted them.

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

Seeing a spider isn’t a problem. It becomes a problem when it disappears.

Dear Drama Queens; go buy a diary and don’t Facebook your problems!

Want to hear a pizza joke…. nah, it’s too cheesy. What about a construction joke? Oh never mind, I’m still working on that one. Did you hear the one about the rope? Skip it.

Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas. ~Paula Poundstone

I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

Man – Haven’t I seen you someplace before? Woman – Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.

Man – Can I buy you a drink? Woman – I think I’d rather have the money!

Man – Will you go out with me this Saturday? Woman –  Sorry, I’m having a headache this weekend.

Man –  Is this seat empty? Woman –  Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man –  So what do you do for a living? Woman –  I’m a female impersonator.

Q: What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?
A: Every morning you’ll
rise and shine!

Q: “What’s the difference between a guitar and a
fish?”
A: “You can’t tuna fish.”

Q: Did you hear about the race
between the lettuce and the tomato?
A: The lettuce was a “head” and the
tomato was trying to “ketchup”!

Q: Did you hear about the hungry
clock?
A: It went back four seconds.

Man – “So do you want to go out maybe?”   Woman – “Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.”

I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.

PUPIL – “Would you punish me for something I didn’t do?”
TEACHER – “Of course not.”
PUPIL – “Good, because I haven`t done my homework.”

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church…. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly Cowboy who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence..
So Satan walked up to the man and said, ‘Do you know who I am?’
The old cowboy replied, ‘Yep, sure do.’
‘Aren’t you afraid of me?’ Satan asked.
‘Nope, sure ain’t.’ said the cowboy.
‘Don’t you realize I can kill you with one word?’ asked Satan.
‘Don’t doubt it for a minute,’ returned the old man, in an even tone.
‘Did you know that I can cause you profound, Horrifying AGONY for all eternity?’ persisted Satan.
‘Yep,’ was the calm reply.
‘And you are still not afraid?’ asked Satan.
‘Nope,’ said the old cowboy.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ‘Why aren’t you afraid of me?’
The old cowboy calmly replied, ‘Been married to your sister for 48 years.’

Question:     What do you call a person who has lost twenty-five pounds in one month?

Answer:       A liar.

The video below is one of my favorite bloopers!